The Tale of Phiri and the Rat

Goes something like this....

One Tuesday morning the Parkers were leaving the hut for the day's outing. It being bin and ironing day Fiona was hunting high and low for Phiri to leave him his day's instructions and tell him that there was some lunch for him waiting in the hut. Unable to find Phiri, Fiona resorted to taking the bin out herself whilst the other Parkers waited in the car, but soon found Phiri up by the bin - chillaxing with his mates.

Fiona strode confidentially over to impart the necessary instructions and saw Phiri walking towards her with an unusually large grin on his face and a massive rabbit in his hands. “Ah”, thought Fiona, “Phiri's mates have caught a rabbit & he is coming to show me”.

Nope, Phiri (or his mates, or their dogs, never worked out which) had caught an utterly enormous rat! The rat was the biggest thing anyone had ever seen, ever. It was honestly about a meter long (excluding tail) and actually looked quite shiny and healthy, all pink on the underside with big sticky out yellow teeth.

“Look Madam look, big rat, oh yes, big one” laughed Phiri as he strode forward waving the rat in Fiona's face. “Arrrghhhhh!!!” shouted Fiona,”blurghhh, keep it away, what are you doing with it?” “Eat it, good eating, big rat” replied Phiri as he waved the rat in the car window to show the other Parkers, “excellent big rat!”. “Arghh, Phiri, keep it away from me! Gross. There is better lunch for you down at the hut....and please do the ironing today”, she spluttered, vainly trying to regain some control of the situation.

Phiri was most delighted to have been able to freak out the 'young madam' in front of his mates and would have got a tasty meal out of the ex-rodent. I just hope he didn't use my new pots to cook the flippn' thing!

F x

There was a dog (pumpkin) and everything!

Hut Party

For many good reasons we decided to throw a 'sundowners and snacks' party whilst A&L were here so that they could meet up with all the MM's people they've met before and say hello to all the other ones.

IT WAS BRILLIANT!

The table did us proud, the hut looked fantastic, Anne's cooking went down a storm and it turns out Malawians LOVE Pims. It's even better when you spike it with Malawian gin apparently!

Excellent, excellent fun. I wonder if it was drinking that brought the Scots and Malawians together 150 years ago as well? It certainly wasn't kilts....on seeing our wedding photo, some of A's Malawian colleagues completely fell about themselves laughing: 'who is marrying who Andrew? Who is the bride? Ah, ha hahahahah!!'

;-)

F x

Guest Blog Spot August 09

Ed: "Have allowed Lock, A's dad, a go on the blog..."

I am sure that avid Blog readers will, as a matter of priority, wish me to verify that the “table” outside is not a PhotoShop job but it exists. It was tested to the full last Friday night when a full mob of about 20 arrived for sundowners and nibbles hut style – major success!

We have of course had an absolutely fantastic time here and still coming to terms with all the sights, sounds etc. What do we think of it? Some things will stick.

The first is of course the resourcefulness of the people. Bicycles are a major form of transport as are women’s heads – I knew this all happened but had no idea just how much of the daily chores rely on this.

The second is the formulation of a priority list for Malawi (having been here 5 mins!). On a short term basis health and nutrition of Malawians must be no 1 and on a longer term basis education is my no 2. The change in government appears to be pressing ahead with the first one and the newspapers here are full of demands to sort out the pay for health professionals, which has seen a major drain on professionals leaving and a resultant decline in care provided. I also include in this the various NGOs and of course Mary’s Meals programme doing feeding in schools etc. The new government has now indicated that they will put in place general schools feeding as policy and are looking at the organisations, already with the mechanisms to do this, to assist putting this in place. A real ratification, if one was needed, that MM is genuinely fulfilling a need for the people of Malawi.

My third was a 10 second cameo which flashed in front of my vision as I drove through a poor suburb of Blantyre. If you were asked to go and bring a goat from a field to your house, I guess this would exercise your ingenuity, patience and fitness to say the least. Actually it is very easy and, in case you have to do it sometime, I will explain. You get a rope and tie it – no not round the neck – round one of the front legs, then you run home keeping that leg from landing on the ground. The poor goat now follows keeping up by running on 3 legs! I’m sure that Malawi has as much to teach us about basic life, as we think we are in a position to teach them about the modern world.

I can’t finish without saying a big thanks to Malawi for an amazing experience & of course Fiona & Andrew for making it all possible and giving us such a wonderful time together. Lock & Anne

Byeeeee

Off on holiday....back soon.....

F x

A 15 Step Guide to Getting a Malawian Driver's Licence

Step 1: Enlist services of driver / bank runner / general all round helpful Malawian from office;

Step 2: Ask helpful person to collect relevant forms & explain to you that section entitled “Business Registration” is actually the bit you need to fill in;

Step 3: Fill in form & make numerous copies of UK licences, passports, work permits, second Aunt's bridge club membership, inside leg measurement etc etc;

Step 4: Get down to Road Traffic Authority – find testers round back of building and look demure (avoid eye contact, be extravagantly polite) whilst they decided whether they need to re-test your driving skills;

Step 5: Sigh with relief when you get all your key documentation back and go to room 3. Wait in sun for an hour whilst the computer system is re-started;

Step 6: You are now 'in the system' – go to room 5 to pay some money, queue for hours;

Step 7: Go to room 7, queue, realise you will need husband for photographs / finger printing etc & abort mission.

Step 8: Return at 7.30am the following day with husband. Wait for 2.5 hours whilst helpful office guy cajoles various officials into actually sitting down and using the computer / finger print machine, you know, for a laugh;

Step 9: Worry when the Malawians are also getting annoyed and reflect on the universal hand gestures that say 'you pen pushing scumbag – I pay my taxes, please do your job!'. Still, be terribly British and allow rude Malawian woman to barge in front of you;

Step 10: Have photo & finger prints taken, get forms signed and stamped;

Step 11: Return to Room 5, queue, pay more money;

Step 12: Go to Room 6, queue, get new bit of paper;

Step 13: Go to Room 3, queue, hand in new bit of paper;

Step 14: Repeat steps 11-13 twice;

Step 15: Cry with relief as man in Room 6 calls 'The Parkers”, sink with despair as he tells you machine for making drivers licences isn't working, they have to send to Lilongwe, here is a temporary licence, come back in 2 months and try again.

But for now we're bona fides!!
F x

PS

Andrew here! I agree with both on his talent and his bad attitude, but think that one example typifies his approach. He gets annoyed when two apparently arrogant aid workers refuse to give him a lift in their big shiny white 4x4 across the border between countries. Er … yeah, there are good reasons for that – 1) taking someone across the border is hugely inadvisable anytime anywhere 2) they probably have a rulebook as long as your arm about not abusing the use of the vehicle for anything other than work purposes, and 3) if they're going to give anyone a lift they should help a mother struggling with a sick child rather than some self-indulgent writer that fancies a ride.

Signed: I. Ray Tadewurker

What a dobber!

I've just finished reading Dark Star Safari. Paul Theroux travels overland from Cape Town to Cairo and writes up his experiences. The book is extremely well written and was, mostly, a real pleasure for me to read. I recognise exactly what he describes. He has it down.

But he is probably one of the most sickeningly self-righteous authors I've ever read. Leave aside my personal distaste at his decision to leave his family for a year and become deliberately untouchable. I'll look over the disrespect he shows some of his friends & the praise he seeks for not sleeping with African prostitutes. I'll even try to ignore the arrogance he displays towards everyone. But the indiscriminating contempt that he shows 'agents of virtue' (the aid industry) is dangerously foolish.

Put simply, his point seems to be:

1. Many aid projects are ineffective;
2. there is a self serving / self perpetuating side to the aid industry;
3. the existence of foreign aid can disincentivise national governments from taking responsibility and solve their country's own problems; and
4. there is a bitter contrast between the wealth and comfort of many of the foreign aid workers and the people they are supposed to be helping.

I agree with all of that. But so what?

What's your solution Mr. Theroux? Stop it all now and just watch millions and millions of people die as the problem 'shakes itself out'? Or try to make the aid industry work better? Design aid projects very carefully. Never assume that you can tell what a society needs from outside. Challenge bad consultancy and respect local government decisions? Pay foreign aid workers less?

I'm pleased he's raised the debate. I'd like some challenge brought to bear on some of the work and attitudes I'm seeing. But if you're going to throw that grenade, for the love of God follow it through with something helpful. Have a plan B.

I'm angry because he makes so much of his special understanding of African problems (which he developed as a young peace corps volunteer in Malawi / Uganda decades ago). Here is someone who has insight and power and influence. Here is a famous author with the gift of the pen and he uses it to sniff and scoff and pour scorn.

F x

Finally.....

Experliarmus!

Last week A was working with a guy called Harry Potter! Love it!


F: “Andrew, what are you doing? Get off my laptop, I need it back.”
A: “Can't, need it, Harry Potter is in my office checking his e-mails”.

He he he he....


In other news, our outside space is now finished! Well, sort of. You can sit on it! Its taken so long to get to this stage we've run out of energy to try and get the guy to come to do the BBQ as well...
F x