A 15 Step Guide to Getting a Malawian Driver's Licence

Step 1: Enlist services of driver / bank runner / general all round helpful Malawian from office;

Step 2: Ask helpful person to collect relevant forms & explain to you that section entitled “Business Registration” is actually the bit you need to fill in;

Step 3: Fill in form & make numerous copies of UK licences, passports, work permits, second Aunt's bridge club membership, inside leg measurement etc etc;

Step 4: Get down to Road Traffic Authority – find testers round back of building and look demure (avoid eye contact, be extravagantly polite) whilst they decided whether they need to re-test your driving skills;

Step 5: Sigh with relief when you get all your key documentation back and go to room 3. Wait in sun for an hour whilst the computer system is re-started;

Step 6: You are now 'in the system' – go to room 5 to pay some money, queue for hours;

Step 7: Go to room 7, queue, realise you will need husband for photographs / finger printing etc & abort mission.

Step 8: Return at 7.30am the following day with husband. Wait for 2.5 hours whilst helpful office guy cajoles various officials into actually sitting down and using the computer / finger print machine, you know, for a laugh;

Step 9: Worry when the Malawians are also getting annoyed and reflect on the universal hand gestures that say 'you pen pushing scumbag – I pay my taxes, please do your job!'. Still, be terribly British and allow rude Malawian woman to barge in front of you;

Step 10: Have photo & finger prints taken, get forms signed and stamped;

Step 11: Return to Room 5, queue, pay more money;

Step 12: Go to Room 6, queue, get new bit of paper;

Step 13: Go to Room 3, queue, hand in new bit of paper;

Step 14: Repeat steps 11-13 twice;

Step 15: Cry with relief as man in Room 6 calls 'The Parkers”, sink with despair as he tells you machine for making drivers licences isn't working, they have to send to Lilongwe, here is a temporary licence, come back in 2 months and try again.

But for now we're bona fides!!
F x