We're back in Kansas Toto!

The epic 63 hour journey is over and even Heathrow's T1 looks like a little bit of heaven!

No such thing as reverse culture shock for me! Obscene amounts of shopping, eating and bubble baths but it is fantastic to be back and seeing everyone again. Everything looks so smart (except Stirlingshire roads, which are actually about as potholed as those in Malawi). Trains are brilliant! Marks and Spencers is the muts nuts and I must have lost weight - dropping a dress size is a sign that I should be buying more dresses!

5 days, 7 fish dinners. 5 diff types of cheese, wine, haggis. yum yum yum yum yum (will go up a dress size before returning home!)

I do miss the warmth. My skin is already getting crap again. And we do miss the simplicity of our little hut, a bit. thinking of everyone back in Malawi but very very happy to have a sneaky wee month at home before getting a final blast of adventure.

Especially after popping back into the office. Lovely people, interesting work (and I'm glad to have a job to think about given the way things seem to have been in the past year). But wow, I'm going to enjoy the next 6 months before resuming my position behind a desk!

Yay
F x

Ps - the celebs in Heat have all changed....who (or what) on earth is Jedward?!

It's World Aids Day today & I'm going home

The journey has begun. Ahead three days of driving, snacking, flying, napping, and, most of all, waiting. I am not looking forward to it.

It will be brilliant to see everyone again. I can't help smiling when I think about fresh air, hot baths, crisp sheets and total silence; but there is a bit of me that is something close to sad to be leaving Malawi (albeit only for a while).

Today, for the first time, I feel almost guilty about how I live. Driving up here this morning the fields were full of people bent double, planting seeds, hoeing weeds and carrying fertiliser (where, I hope, all the money for fuel has gone). Whilst numbers are beginning to fall, 1 in 5 of them has HIV/AIDS. A lot of people are wearing red ribbons & most people will have lost someone they love to it.

The queues at the petrol stations are immense and unmoving. The country is grinding to a halt and I'm 'out of here'. Off, with more fuel than I could possibly need, to enjoy the very best of things with a large, loving, family.

Overall I'm grateful and I am ready to go. It's just going to be a bit of a mind bend being here with all its foreignness and edge and then home, with all its comfort and familiarity. A calls it 'reverse culture shock'. Let's see.

F x

Ps – For the record, I am: 1) somewhat VINDICATED over last week's panic petrol stockpiling, 2) a bit EMBARASSED about how many people I've roped into the 'getting Fiona to LLW airport' mission & 3) FUMING at A for booking me on completely rubbish flights whilst he skips merrily through Jo-berg and Amsterdam in smooth comfort.

PS

A especially likes this photo as he thinks he looks all statesman-like with me as his PA, following him around keeping him to schedule and making sure all the paper work is filled in.

Pretty accurate actually.

For now.

F x

Hot Christmas

Davina threw one of her Christmas bashes last week, especially early so that we could go. It was great fun but very odd walking from 30 degree heat into Christmas lights, baubles, a candle tree and and jolly Chrimbo tunes.

Brain couldn't compute. Especially when flying ants swarmed around the Christmas lights and a stray (big black) snake had to be pangaged by the guards. Was there a snake in the stable? Perhaps. Would the shepherds have rushed to see it? I think not. They would have, like me, lifted their feet off the ground and waited until it was definitely dead!

Anyway, another thing I'll never forget.

F x

PS – universal truth of eating and drinking too much at Chrimbo parties seems to hold true no matter how hot it is :-)
F x

Dad: Malawi & Monsoons

Dad & Sue's trip was totally action packed. I loved showing them around everything and think (hope) they had a great time. It was only a week so we've fallen down on the traditional 'guest blog spot' but if Dad wants to post something from windy old Swansea all he has to do is e-mail – I'll keep the spot open!

Anyway, we had a fab time. Bit of a mix up (on balance my fault) with bookings into Safari camp but we went to the lake and boiled instead. They saw first hand diesel shortages, water shortages (a woman actually climbed up our wall to ask for water....made me think twice about conditioning my hair in the shower, especially as she was still perched on the wall at the time....), paper making, mango buying, personal taylor services, the dust, the heat and the rains.

Wow the rains. They arrived yesterday. Utter Bliss. The heat was getting unbearable (mid to high 30s) but one huge crack and the water came. I've never never seen the like. The temp dropped, the thunder was right above and the water felt so fresh and cool. Cliché but it actually does smell sweet. If I hadn't had a meeting that afternoon I'd have gone all Andy McDowall and danced like a banshee in the downpour. Roads are now a total state but I'm delighted to be a 'normal' 27 degrees again!

2 weeks and I'll be heading home. Scottish rain will be so boring now (I'll have to make up for it with shopping!).

F x

Blantyre Status Update

Its been a while since I updated you on Blantyre goings on. So:

It is HOT! 35 C in the shade now. I've never stood still and actually had sweat dripping off me before.

There are water shortages. For me this only means that I can't use the washing machine & have to get Phiri to hand wash stuff, but for others this is a real problem.

Probably a combo of both of the above, but the general aroma of human body odour is getting really quite strong.

There is no diesel or paraffin and petrol is getting short. Whether this is because what little forex Malawi has is being spent on fertiliser or whether its because there was a big explosion at some dodgy fuel depot in Mozambique, I'm not sure. Either way, this could be a big problem.

Words fail me to describe how delicious mangos are. They are in the super food category with curry (there's food and then there's curry and mangos).

A's on a big business trip in the v north of Malawi – its so rural up there he had a cow walk into his meeting!

I went to a Guy Faulks night at Blantyre club. First time I've seen the Malawian, White and Asian communities at the same thing. Great fun explaining to shocked friends why we are burning some dude's effigy and fantastic fireworks (apparently courtesy of the Chinese, hope they didn't spend forex on them anyway!).

I was right and the gekos behind the water tank are breeding. Now lots of little tiny gekos everywhere – and the ants are so desperate for water they embark on kamikaze missions down the kitchen wall and into the kettle. Lots of boiled, drowned ants floating about.

I'm enjoying being here. I'm looking forward to coming home.

F x

Skyscrapers & Table Mountain

Two oceans at the same time!

Cape Town

Was fabulous and strange.

It has to be in the running for the most beautiful city in the world (see photos). Beaches, mountains, vineyards, proper skyscrapers, a busy port actually doing business (contrast Scotland), and the oceans. OMG the oceans. I LOVED IT!

But from the v short time I was there I think it is creepy. The townships are nightmarish sprawls of violence. We didn't see any black people driving cars. Breaking through the security round the tourists and the white people would test even Jack Bauer.

I was 14 when apartheid ended. I've never really thought about. But my God, how did that happen? And so recently? Cape Town has infrastructure that Malawi can only dream of, there is a buzz there, it could be such a great world hub. But it's broken.

I really hope it fixes itself and doesn't become another Zim. Right now it's a horrible, horrible, wasted opportunity.

F x
PS – don't get me wrong though, I spent most of my time there floating on a cloud of delight at things like fresh milk, a bath, seafood, carpets, a proper bed!

Byeeee

Off to Cape Town.

F x

Crates Continued

I should also have mentioned the following useful facts about Malawian crates:

One crate of greens = 10 pints of lager. Perfect party size (for students);

You can turn them on their end and sit on them whilst you drink their contents;

You can have mixed crates within the fanta family (e.g. 5 pineapple, 2 passion, 13 orange) but do not try to put a coca cola or two in there;

Similarly, ginger ale, tonic and soda water go together, but with nothing else (even if you offer to pay the price of a whole crate of the more expensive drink);

They stack beautifully - except Kuche crates, which are bigger (because Kuche Kuche comes in 500ml not 350ml bottles).

See: complicated. A and Enrico are planning some 'crate theory' paper. Reckon there's a Nobel prize for economics in there somewhere!
F x

Matrimony and Mangos

The mango season has started!

This is big news. Mangos are very very tasty and Malawians have been talking about them a LOT for months. Looking forward to much mango chutney, pickle, salad, etc etc. I can already report that the wee ones are better for not getting juice EVERYWHERE but leave horrible fibres in your teeth (knew I'd packed tooth floss for a reason...) Am told the more expensive 'pink blush' ones, not yet available in Blantyre, will already be harvested further north.

Hurray! To celebrate 4 years of marital bliss (ahem) we're off to the lake this avo for the weekend. Four years is fruit and flowers – no flowers yet (ahem) but am on a mission to buy lots and lots of fancy mangos up there and use as currency when back in BLT!

F x

PS – we spent our anniversary breakfast at a MM 'business breakfast' fund-raiser – the glamour and romance of standing in a dusty playground being fed fortified, sickly sweet porridge was almost too much! ;-)

Moving On

Andrew stopped doing paid work for Mary's Meals on Friday. It was a very difficult decision for him to move on, but it's time. He'll be working full time with Imani (the economists) now on all sorts of things broadly connected with trade.

The MM Malawi team had a football afternoon and send off party for him on Friday. I felt very lucky to be there; so proud of Andrew, so pleased to have these people as my friends. Andrea gave a wonderful speech and a bunch of the men performed some kind of hacka as they chanted 'wazza, wazza, wazza, ah ah ah!' and presented A with brilliant gifts. Pretty special.

Thank you to all of them. I hadn't fully realised until Friday just how big a part of both of our lives MM has been. We'll miss it, but we won't be that far away. Both of us back it completely as the best aid project we've seen. There is simply no good reason for children to go hungry and not have a basic eduction.

F x

How long 'till we have a go?

:-)

Chariots! (Vanilla Chariots - note tobacco truck)

Crates

It's high time I told you about a Malawian system that has a disproportionate impact on our lives: the crates system.

Beer, tonic & soft drinks all come in recyclable glass bottles. These bottles can be bought individually or in crates of 20. Either way, you have to pay a deposit for the bottle and/or the crate. So far, fair enough.

However, the rules around when you can pay the deposit in cash rather than the kind (i.e. by returning an empty bottle or crate) or when you can get your deposit back (e.g. by swapping three empty for two full) are actually beyond me. The most cross Malawians I have ever spoken to are the shop ladies who I'm trying to buy a bottle from without bringing an empty back; or who I'm trying to convince to deduct the MK800 deposit for the third crate I've returned from the cost of the two new, full, crates I'm trying to buy.

I mean, how are you supposed to get your first crate? (Davina lent us ours, we levered up and were then able to extend the favour to Enrico). What do you do when you lose a bottle? (You really try not to). What do you do at 10am when you need to go to the shop to get a fresh crate for the party and there is one un-drunk beer left? (you can guess.....).

This stuff is complicated and there is clearly big money it. Obviously there's money in it for Carlsberg (and its soft drinks local sub, SOBO) who happily exploit this eye watering barrier to entry. But MK800 for an empty crate is around three days wages for your average Malawian. So, crates are currency, a store of wealth and a status symbol.

We are currently a 6 crate family – even if we repay Davina her initial 1, this is too much for our bijoux hut. But I can't figure out how to downsize. It's all getting out of control. Phiri will have a windfall when we leave.

F x

ARGHHHH!!!

Ok, so it's happened. Big hairy tarantula looking spider thing crawling up my back and I didn't notice!!!!

Was changing for the gym and stranger had to say “erm, excuse me, but you have a erm spider on your back.” Obviously I jumped out my skin and it fell to the floor. I'm not exaggerating at all when I say this thing was about 6cm in diameter and about 4 cm deep (its legs bent up in that horrible arching way). It was brown and orange(ish) and hairy and even from 5'8'' away I could see its massive fangs!

BLUGHH!!! How did it get on me? How often has that happened without me knowing? What if it happens again? (I was just beginning to relax!)

The nice stranger actually had to say 'calm down, it's OK'.

Sob
F x

Ps – member of the Ivory Coast football team winked at me tho! :-)

Chariots

There are a lot of pick up trucks here in Malawi. They can be ridiculously full of people, but the back of them usually contains two or three dudes in blue overalls clinging on to a mound of furniture, corrugated iron, or heap of cement (once, a huge pile of broken glass).

Quite often said Malawian dudes will choose to stand up in the back, holding onto the rail above the driver's cabin and looking forward over the top and out onto the road ahead. The only reason we can see for doing this is for the sheer love of the ride and we think they look like riders on Roman chariots. So we play 'chariot spotting' when driving about town.

This is great fun. You can have solitaire chariots; synchronised chariots; sunset chariots; half naked chariots; or backwards chariots (but never women chariots). There will always be someone riding chariots somewhere. Except in the morning rush hour - it really seems to be a happy-to-be-going-home thing.

Hard to get pictures of, but will try.....
F x

The Odd One Out

So in french class this week we were doing an exercise on spotting the odd one out or 'l'intrus'. For example: which is the odd one out? plaire à ; aller bien à; déplaire à; or expliquer à?. On explaining what 'l'intrus' meant, le prof asked the class what was out of place in the classroom – quick as a flash one of the girls pointed at me and shouted 'Fiona!'.

Charming.

He'd meant himself (as the only male, a point he often refers to when highlighting diff grammar
points) and slightly nervously said 'yes, she is the only european, but that's not quite what I had in mind'. Not letting it go, one of the other girls suggested it was Waheta, the headscarf wearing muslim!

:-) Here's me thinking we're all the same really!

F x

Things I have noticed recently include:

• A garden centre (with borehole) built amongst a graveyard;
• a crazy blue and orange winged insect thing (may have also had fangs);
• teeny tiny bees (almost midgy size, building a nest by outside hut table);
• swiss anti-mosquito spray is about as useful as a.....[insert phrase of choice / choice phrase]......damn mosquitoes!
• Fertiliser season has started, you can smell the sulphurous pong in some fields (fertiliser is a very big deal here!)

F x

Ps - thunderstorm 2 nights ago and that mahoosive spider in the garden has finally carped it! Yay!

F x

Back to School

To (sort of) continue a theme - its been a fortnight of school books and homework for me!

I've started french classes two mornings a week (tres bien, je les aime beaucoup). Whilst I am actually old enough to be the mother of the rest of the girls in there (and the teacher embarrassingly always refers to me as 'vous' and the rest as 'tu'), it is great to get back into it. All sorts of things are starting to come back to me and with another 8 months I may have even remembered how to conjugate the conditional subjunctive (if indeed it really exists!)

I also signed myself up for a three day course at the uni on int. trade law. Met some great Malawian lawyers, got the low down on the newly appointed judges and I now know my GATT from my GATS, EPAs from my AGOAs. I think I see the importance of the EU 'anything but arms' legislation and may even understand what all the fuss about bananas was!

Hurray for me! (or, as Malawian school children would chant: “well done, well done, sure, keep it up!”)

F x

Backpacks

I helped out (ahem, tagged along and took some pictures) last week when the MM warehouse / backpack team handed out 1000 of these little parcels at Milo primary school, out west of Blantyre.




I still don't know how to describe what these schools are like and how proud I am of everything MM does. I'm not even going to try. I'm just going to post some of the pics.....




(and give you the web address: www.marysmeals.org)


F x

Thank-You

New Backpacks!!

A Mary's Meals Queue

School Bags

A class(room)

Santa's Sleigh (of sorts...)

Lovely, isn't it?

It's getting hot down here

Pheweee, so no where near where it will get to, but I'm already panicking about it! The jacaranda trees have bloomed, great crests of beautiful lilac flowers and when the wind picks up they sprinkle all over the streets like confetti. Reminds me of the white and pink blossom trees that line Musters Road, the street in Nottingham where my primary school was (is?).

I'm told that once the wind has blown all the pods off the flame trees (which are now regularly falling onto the roof of the hut with a great clatter) they'll also come out in a blaze of red – will definitely post good pics of that!

Anyway, once all this lovely colour is over the heat will build and build and build until it breaks into heavy rain around Christmas. Probably only in the mid to high 20s at the moment but the air has changed, it smells hotter. The steering wheel is sometimes too hot to touch when I get into the car so I'm becoming obsessed about finding shade to park in. There are more flies as well, a sure sign it is getting warmer and so people are burning rubbish like there is no tomorrow – lots of smoke and dust.

This is also the time of year for circumcising all the young boys (and some of the young girls!) - a ceremony which seems to be performed in the night to enormously loud drums. The folks of Nbayani (the township on the other side of the wall) are really going for it so some nights all I can do is doze to the sound of drums until about 4 in the morning when they finally stop.

Yup, its pretty African right now.

Hope you are all well (and a radio 1 style 'big shout out' to my Gramps as he prints this out and to my Granny as she reads it, comfy in her armchair!)

F x

Garden Pirates

Phiri came to ask if I had any more bottles, 'big ones, glass'. We're cutting back so I didn't have any empty ones for him. I still followed him out into the garden and found this big bloke digging up a ton of old wine bottles that had been buried in the garden under soil and old leaves!

Having spotted him doing a deal with the 'guy who hangs out at the bottom of the street' over empty bottles, we thought we had Phiri's recycling system sussed. Turns out he must be playing it dangerously and keeping in with two of Blantyre's bottle magnates. That, and making sure the night guards don't get in on the bottle action.

Wonder what else is buried in the garden....

F x

Some sense of scale?

Damn Spiders!

Look at the size of this, I mean COME ON!! It could have my finger off I'm sure.....

A refuses to stand next to it and hold up mobile phone for scale, but I'm sure you can get the jist of how ENORMOUS!! this thing is. Apparently it's just a 'harmless garden spider' and if bitten I'd just go a bit blue, wouldn't die probably. Oh yeah! The cold shivers I'm feeling because of millions of years of evolution beg to differ – I think it is a badyn'.

It is eating mosquitoes though, a good thing.

Urgghhhhhh!!!

F x

Need I say more....

It's not where you are, it's who you're with

Enrico is going home (sniff). We picked him up the day we dropped Mum and Jennie off and I can't believe that's three months already!

We'll miss him lots but are celebrating his last weekend in Malawi by sitting at the outside hut table drinking special brew (his favourite Malawian tipple) and putting the world to rights.

In particular, we've concluded that the difference between being Italian and being Italian Swiss is enormous, but the difference between being Italian and being Malawian may not be so big; for example:

- Both Italians and Malawians drive like total mentalists;

- similarly, the time it takes to get an Italian drivers' licence is measured in days;

- polenta is actually the same thing as nsima (or 'sema', the basic Malawian food);

- car horns (and even worse driving) are the main way to celebrate a football win;

- haggling is compulsory;

- you suspect the hawkers are trying to trick you, particularly when they call you 'boss' or, in Malawi, 'bwana';

- in both countries you are not trusted to fuel you're own car;

- Malawian's describe themselves as the 'warm heart of Africa', Italians claim to be the 'friendliest nation in Europe'; and

- (posh) Malawians say 'ciao'.

F x

The Tale of Phiri and the Rat

Goes something like this....

One Tuesday morning the Parkers were leaving the hut for the day's outing. It being bin and ironing day Fiona was hunting high and low for Phiri to leave him his day's instructions and tell him that there was some lunch for him waiting in the hut. Unable to find Phiri, Fiona resorted to taking the bin out herself whilst the other Parkers waited in the car, but soon found Phiri up by the bin - chillaxing with his mates.

Fiona strode confidentially over to impart the necessary instructions and saw Phiri walking towards her with an unusually large grin on his face and a massive rabbit in his hands. “Ah”, thought Fiona, “Phiri's mates have caught a rabbit & he is coming to show me”.

Nope, Phiri (or his mates, or their dogs, never worked out which) had caught an utterly enormous rat! The rat was the biggest thing anyone had ever seen, ever. It was honestly about a meter long (excluding tail) and actually looked quite shiny and healthy, all pink on the underside with big sticky out yellow teeth.

“Look Madam look, big rat, oh yes, big one” laughed Phiri as he strode forward waving the rat in Fiona's face. “Arrrghhhhh!!!” shouted Fiona,”blurghhh, keep it away, what are you doing with it?” “Eat it, good eating, big rat” replied Phiri as he waved the rat in the car window to show the other Parkers, “excellent big rat!”. “Arghh, Phiri, keep it away from me! Gross. There is better lunch for you down at the hut....and please do the ironing today”, she spluttered, vainly trying to regain some control of the situation.

Phiri was most delighted to have been able to freak out the 'young madam' in front of his mates and would have got a tasty meal out of the ex-rodent. I just hope he didn't use my new pots to cook the flippn' thing!

F x

There was a dog (pumpkin) and everything!

Hut Party

For many good reasons we decided to throw a 'sundowners and snacks' party whilst A&L were here so that they could meet up with all the MM's people they've met before and say hello to all the other ones.

IT WAS BRILLIANT!

The table did us proud, the hut looked fantastic, Anne's cooking went down a storm and it turns out Malawians LOVE Pims. It's even better when you spike it with Malawian gin apparently!

Excellent, excellent fun. I wonder if it was drinking that brought the Scots and Malawians together 150 years ago as well? It certainly wasn't kilts....on seeing our wedding photo, some of A's Malawian colleagues completely fell about themselves laughing: 'who is marrying who Andrew? Who is the bride? Ah, ha hahahahah!!'

;-)

F x

Guest Blog Spot August 09

Ed: "Have allowed Lock, A's dad, a go on the blog..."

I am sure that avid Blog readers will, as a matter of priority, wish me to verify that the “table” outside is not a PhotoShop job but it exists. It was tested to the full last Friday night when a full mob of about 20 arrived for sundowners and nibbles hut style – major success!

We have of course had an absolutely fantastic time here and still coming to terms with all the sights, sounds etc. What do we think of it? Some things will stick.

The first is of course the resourcefulness of the people. Bicycles are a major form of transport as are women’s heads – I knew this all happened but had no idea just how much of the daily chores rely on this.

The second is the formulation of a priority list for Malawi (having been here 5 mins!). On a short term basis health and nutrition of Malawians must be no 1 and on a longer term basis education is my no 2. The change in government appears to be pressing ahead with the first one and the newspapers here are full of demands to sort out the pay for health professionals, which has seen a major drain on professionals leaving and a resultant decline in care provided. I also include in this the various NGOs and of course Mary’s Meals programme doing feeding in schools etc. The new government has now indicated that they will put in place general schools feeding as policy and are looking at the organisations, already with the mechanisms to do this, to assist putting this in place. A real ratification, if one was needed, that MM is genuinely fulfilling a need for the people of Malawi.

My third was a 10 second cameo which flashed in front of my vision as I drove through a poor suburb of Blantyre. If you were asked to go and bring a goat from a field to your house, I guess this would exercise your ingenuity, patience and fitness to say the least. Actually it is very easy and, in case you have to do it sometime, I will explain. You get a rope and tie it – no not round the neck – round one of the front legs, then you run home keeping that leg from landing on the ground. The poor goat now follows keeping up by running on 3 legs! I’m sure that Malawi has as much to teach us about basic life, as we think we are in a position to teach them about the modern world.

I can’t finish without saying a big thanks to Malawi for an amazing experience & of course Fiona & Andrew for making it all possible and giving us such a wonderful time together. Lock & Anne

Byeeeee

Off on holiday....back soon.....

F x

A 15 Step Guide to Getting a Malawian Driver's Licence

Step 1: Enlist services of driver / bank runner / general all round helpful Malawian from office;

Step 2: Ask helpful person to collect relevant forms & explain to you that section entitled “Business Registration” is actually the bit you need to fill in;

Step 3: Fill in form & make numerous copies of UK licences, passports, work permits, second Aunt's bridge club membership, inside leg measurement etc etc;

Step 4: Get down to Road Traffic Authority – find testers round back of building and look demure (avoid eye contact, be extravagantly polite) whilst they decided whether they need to re-test your driving skills;

Step 5: Sigh with relief when you get all your key documentation back and go to room 3. Wait in sun for an hour whilst the computer system is re-started;

Step 6: You are now 'in the system' – go to room 5 to pay some money, queue for hours;

Step 7: Go to room 7, queue, realise you will need husband for photographs / finger printing etc & abort mission.

Step 8: Return at 7.30am the following day with husband. Wait for 2.5 hours whilst helpful office guy cajoles various officials into actually sitting down and using the computer / finger print machine, you know, for a laugh;

Step 9: Worry when the Malawians are also getting annoyed and reflect on the universal hand gestures that say 'you pen pushing scumbag – I pay my taxes, please do your job!'. Still, be terribly British and allow rude Malawian woman to barge in front of you;

Step 10: Have photo & finger prints taken, get forms signed and stamped;

Step 11: Return to Room 5, queue, pay more money;

Step 12: Go to Room 6, queue, get new bit of paper;

Step 13: Go to Room 3, queue, hand in new bit of paper;

Step 14: Repeat steps 11-13 twice;

Step 15: Cry with relief as man in Room 6 calls 'The Parkers”, sink with despair as he tells you machine for making drivers licences isn't working, they have to send to Lilongwe, here is a temporary licence, come back in 2 months and try again.

But for now we're bona fides!!
F x

PS

Andrew here! I agree with both on his talent and his bad attitude, but think that one example typifies his approach. He gets annoyed when two apparently arrogant aid workers refuse to give him a lift in their big shiny white 4x4 across the border between countries. Er … yeah, there are good reasons for that – 1) taking someone across the border is hugely inadvisable anytime anywhere 2) they probably have a rulebook as long as your arm about not abusing the use of the vehicle for anything other than work purposes, and 3) if they're going to give anyone a lift they should help a mother struggling with a sick child rather than some self-indulgent writer that fancies a ride.

Signed: I. Ray Tadewurker

What a dobber!

I've just finished reading Dark Star Safari. Paul Theroux travels overland from Cape Town to Cairo and writes up his experiences. The book is extremely well written and was, mostly, a real pleasure for me to read. I recognise exactly what he describes. He has it down.

But he is probably one of the most sickeningly self-righteous authors I've ever read. Leave aside my personal distaste at his decision to leave his family for a year and become deliberately untouchable. I'll look over the disrespect he shows some of his friends & the praise he seeks for not sleeping with African prostitutes. I'll even try to ignore the arrogance he displays towards everyone. But the indiscriminating contempt that he shows 'agents of virtue' (the aid industry) is dangerously foolish.

Put simply, his point seems to be:

1. Many aid projects are ineffective;
2. there is a self serving / self perpetuating side to the aid industry;
3. the existence of foreign aid can disincentivise national governments from taking responsibility and solve their country's own problems; and
4. there is a bitter contrast between the wealth and comfort of many of the foreign aid workers and the people they are supposed to be helping.

I agree with all of that. But so what?

What's your solution Mr. Theroux? Stop it all now and just watch millions and millions of people die as the problem 'shakes itself out'? Or try to make the aid industry work better? Design aid projects very carefully. Never assume that you can tell what a society needs from outside. Challenge bad consultancy and respect local government decisions? Pay foreign aid workers less?

I'm pleased he's raised the debate. I'd like some challenge brought to bear on some of the work and attitudes I'm seeing. But if you're going to throw that grenade, for the love of God follow it through with something helpful. Have a plan B.

I'm angry because he makes so much of his special understanding of African problems (which he developed as a young peace corps volunteer in Malawi / Uganda decades ago). Here is someone who has insight and power and influence. Here is a famous author with the gift of the pen and he uses it to sniff and scoff and pour scorn.

F x

Finally.....

Experliarmus!

Last week A was working with a guy called Harry Potter! Love it!


F: “Andrew, what are you doing? Get off my laptop, I need it back.”
A: “Can't, need it, Harry Potter is in my office checking his e-mails”.

He he he he....


In other news, our outside space is now finished! Well, sort of. You can sit on it! Its taken so long to get to this stage we've run out of energy to try and get the guy to come to do the BBQ as well...
F x

Independence Day

Was a while back but thought you might like this pretty picture of the Malawi flags they put all up the highway!

Girls & Boys in Zomba

A wanted to go & stay in this log cabin thing with no hot water but a high snake / spider count. Naturally I wasn't keen.

Happily he's now got enough boy chums to get a few crates of beer, some steaks and poker chips together and settle in for a boys weekend.

One of the guy's girlfriends & I checked ourselves into nearby hotel & enjoyed real log fire in the room, bottle of wine & first bath since I got here - general delightful pampering!

Everyone's a winner!

F x

Zomba Baboons

"Is it true that there are no thieves in England?"

We were giving the pristine guard that always winks from the MM office a lift to the shops as he'd forgotten the key for his bike chain (think his name might be Wilson). Explaining the need for a bike chain, he expressed the view that he didn't know what the world was coming to, there were many young men stealing things in Malawi now because it was getting wealthier & there was more to steal. He also explained that sometimes there is a problem with the armed gangs who were something to do with the private army under the 'president for life' in the 90s.

It's sad to think that might be true, though many international surveys still have the crime rate as very relatively low in Malawi. But he asked me if it was true that there were no thieves in England! ?!?! I couldn't find out where he had heard that but replied that, no, there were thieves in England, there were thieves all over the world.

He wanted to know whether the thieves were “Englishmen or black men”....naturally I said they were all Welsh ;-)

F x

I was going to steal that!

So there are quite a few pawpaw trees in the garden & the pawpaws are getting ripe. Phiri went to Davina the other morning to complain that the night guards had taken a big, juicy, nearly ripe pawpaw that he had his eye on. Wasn't there but believe the conversation went something along the lines of:


“Madam, you must tell them! I was going to take that pawpaw and they have, you must tell them not to touch the pawpaws, they are for me!”
“Ok Phiri, everyone must bring the pawpaws to me and I'll distribute them.”
“But madam, they also took big apple from the tree.”
“No Phiri, that was me, it's my apple tree & I knew if I didn't take it one of you would!”

:-)

F x

A genuinely sorry sight

I always worry when I see men carrying babies. Invariably it seems to mean that something is horribly wrong with the mother.

We live quite close to a hospital but I only really notice it about once a week....still, it's enough. Once we were driving to work and noticed two men, one carrying a baby and one with a very large child strapped to his back. Look closer, it wasn't a child but a skeletal woman slung up in a bit of tattered fabric. This morning on the way to work I noticed a woman curled up on the grass lying with her head on the kerb. I thought, she is crying and might have just lost a child. Moments later I drove past a man walking down the street towards a local clinic, with a baby strapped to his back and a couple of water bottles with what looked like milk in his hand. I don't know if they are connected, but I am so sorry to see it.

15% of the adult population have HIV/AIDS here. Some reports say it is coming on for 20%. That is one in every 5 people. There are literally millions of orphans. But if you are Malawian HIV/AIDS is just another thing to add to the list of stuff that will kill you. Most people have malaria, many have bilhartisa, there is cholera and TB and dysentery. I understand a Malawian's life expectancy is around 45 (a recent improvement from 38).

I do not know what to make of all that.
F x

Nobly Carrots

So we're feeling better. Appetite is back anyway.

Food that is good here =

• Avocados (though all finished now);
• fresh green peas (hours of podding fun & tasty raw snack);
• burn-your-lips-off-chillies (do not touch anything after handling them, seriously, especially if you are a man who needs a pee....);
• beef (don't listen to American friends, 500g steak is too much, 300g....always get the 300g....);
• dark, sticky, meaty roast chicken, especially the scrawny ones that run about town & are called 'roadrunner' on menus (though ALWAYS check that you aren't actually eating chicken face / head);
• chips (genuinely ubiquitous here, eat your heart out Ashton Lane!);
• mangoes (apparently, not seen them yet but people get well excited about mango season);
• cherry sobo (like cherry coke, but more sugar, less coke).
  

Food that is not good here =

• Cheese (just forget it);
• nobly carrots (covered in mud, impossible to peel & go soft if you don't eat them within 2 hours);
• crooked sweet potatoes (as with the nobly carrots, but they go black when you peal them, ooze weird white sap, take 2 hours of boiling to get soft & still taste muddy);
• Fish (except Chambo at the lake, which is quite nice);
• Garlic (infeasibly tiny, takes an age to peel / chop, so I give up & shamfacedly buy the imported chinese stuff that people sniff about and that I pay 4 times as much for, which still doesn't taste that nice);
• Strawberries / raspberries (very rare, very expensive, largely mouldy & almost impossible to wash off the muddy taste / random bits of grit).

Still putting weight on though......

F x

Poorly

We're not well. Nothing serious (I think), just some virus / colds probably but I feel completely shattered. Normally a couple of ibuprofen would see off a sore throat and the sniffles but this time, wow, totally wiped. Must be some strange kind of Malawian cold that we're not used to.

We've had a few days in bed and a pretty lacklustre trip round the local co-op to stock up on juice and bread. All I want to do is lye under the net and sleep. Everything feels too African at the moment – I can't face the children and the traffic and the dust. I miss home.

We've been watching DVDs (I love Jack Bauer). America & Europe look AMAZING! I crave starbucks (which I never liked), proper tarmac, 24 hour shops and buildings more than 2 stories high. Streetlights and buses and sandwich bars, sushi and internet shopping!

We'll get over it, but right now I don't have the energy for this. I think we're also hitting some kind of 4 month wall. The initial excitement & novelty has worn off. We've got a normal life to lead but it is subtly different and strange things make it harder. No switch, no taxis, no take away, no microwave, no dishwasher or tumble dryer. Mod cons are just that, I miss them. I think we'll skip this weekend's outing south to the sugar fields. Hunker down in the hut, rest and watch MacGregor and Boreman struggle round Mongolia – could be worse!

Take care
F x
PS - The guards had to panga the first troublesome snake the other night as well. Really took a very very long time to die.

Ants

Damn ants! I admire their strength and team work but am scared of the biting ones and annoyed that my house is not my own. The incidences of ant invasions into the bathroom are getting down to one a fortnight (probably combo of continued zero tolerance policy and the gecko that lives behind the hot water tank) but I was looking out of the back window the other morning and noticed the whole ground seemed to be rippling.

My eyes were drawn by loads and loads of little brown birds dotting about on the ground, then I saw the leaves were moving (it is like our autumn here now, leaves have fallen, less than 10 degrees and overcast) and on closer inspection I saw the ground was teeming with these black and red ant things. Blurgh, I never go round there anyway (snakes and spiders) but I now realise that the little holes in the earth are ant holes, and there are a lot of holes.

Sometimes, from the front steps, the noise of the leaves being moved and munched is actually loud and there are at least five different spots in the house where we (Phiri) have to brush black dust off the skirting boards every couple of days. This is the result of the ant nests in the roof that we have put poison down for but are fighting a loosing battle.

Strangely we don't really get that many in the kitchen (fingers crossed). Might be something to do with the other gecko that lives behind the fridge but I have noticed nest like stuff coming down between the wall and the ceiling. Last time we had that I cleaned it away and we had an invasion of Hitchcock proportions, so I'm just going to leave it. They can have the roof and the garden but if they come into the house I will Doom them. It is a very fair deal.

F x

We are OK!

Thanks for the concerned e-mails / phone calls! Do not fret, we are fine and feel pretty safe. Please please do not let it put anyone off visting!

Felt I had to be a bit more balanced as all you were getting were stories about parties and day trips. Maybe I went too far & somethings are better not spoken (e.g. side effects of the malaria drugs, which I'll tell you about when I'm back...)

Keep well back home and BIG CONGRATULATIONS to the following:

- Carrie who is getting married this weekend;
- Katie & Jonny who have a lovely baby boy JJ;
- Megan who has landed a fantastic job in Nepal;
- Karen who is an auntie; and
- Mike who has finally popped the question (and got a yes).

F x

Night of the Pangas

There is a darker side to the ex-pat life here. Not long ago three of our colleagues were staying in a guest house in Lilongwe and each of them woke to four men armed with pangas, a type of machete, standing round their beds. Almost certainly an inside job with the place's guards they took everything from them, but mercifully no one was hurt.

I simply can't imagine how terrified I would be if it happened to me. It isn't that common but its not uncommon. Our American friends' guard has been attacked and the tyres stolen from their car three times now and, completely understandably, the girl is having trouble sleeping. It would be hard (though not impossible) for someone to break into a domestic house in the night, but someone was tied up and robbed at home at 10am two Sunday mornings ago.

Thankfully, I think (hope) that we are relatively safe here in the hut, we're certainly as safe as we can be. Crime is relatively low in Malawi, the second safest country in Africa, but that is still a relative measure. The difference in wealth and what I think is a greater normalisation to violence, makes us automatic targets. You place so much trust in your guards, it begs the question whether you are actually creating a vulnerability and would be better not using them and staying more vigilant / building better defences?

But its not really an either or. I'll take guards, barred windows, padlocks, barbed wire, attack alarms and constant vigilance and pray that we're OK. With the vice-president two doors up, we're never far from the army anyway and I will continue in my 'give the guards regular food and thanks' strategy.

F x

PAAARRTAAY

Holyrood secondary school are on their way home. We waved them off at the airport today (sat) and went to their goodbye party last night – it was brilliant!

A gave a MM talk at the school a few years ago and since then he and their deputy, Tony Begley, have been good mates. Tony has done wonders getting the teachers and children of Holyrood and its feeder primary schools engaged in MM and they have raised a fortune! This year alone the sixth formers raised over $200,000 for their trip out here to spend two weeks building and renovating classrooms and a special needs centre. They've also forged a kind of link with Stella Maris, a specially funded boarding school for some of the brightest young girls of Malawi. Run by nuns, we had a top party there last night.

I've learnt that in Malawi protocol is everything, so before the hall full of people could eat, everyone had to be 'introduced' – the trustees, the education minister, the head nun, MM e/ees suppliers, contractors, us, the teachers, the drivers, the children. Stand up, wave, sit down, clap. 6 different speeches thanking everyone & two sets of prayers. Dodgy acoustics but Tony actually managing to pull off quoting Mother Teresa and Nelson Mandela, no mean feat.

We MM people mucked in serving the drinks and the Stella Maris girls put on this play – quite surreal at times and lots of characters shouting 'shut up' at each other, but from what I can tell they were doing an excellent job of an African Macbeth.

The dancing was awesome (no doubt helped along by relief that the speeches were over). A's colleague Nelia (who would not get off the stage) could give Beyonce a run for money in the arse wiggling stakes and its amazing how well the Gay Gordons fit the, very catchy, Malawian 'Zwangla'.

Its always felt good being Scottish here, somehow more a part of the place than I suspect we would be elsewhere in Africa – probably something to do with Livingstone and all the 'trade, not slavery' work he did 150 years ago. There's also a sense of momentum building behind the renewed Scottish / Malawi relationship and, judging by last night, I think both countries could be on to a really, really, good thing.

F x

Roadtrip

We're back safe and sound from a ridiculously long road trip to Karonga, right in the very north of Malawi, about an hour from the Tanzanian border. A had a meeting there so to make the 2.5 days driving for a 1.5hr meeting a bit less of a nonsense, I took the chance to see the north and keep him company.

What I take away is not so much memories of the empty beauty of that part of the country (wild natural forests, high mountain passes and a great road along the lake shore) but a terror of A's boss's car – that huge gas gazzling Nissan was a beast! The suspension was knackered, the fuel tank leaked, the speedometer didn't work, there was a big crack in the windscreen, the headlight lamp blew and every time you turned the engine off it backfired Del-Boy style with a tremendous 'CRACK'! We certainly made an impression arriving late in Mzuzu, the freezing cold northerly most proper city. Oh, and of course the doors didn't lock, the windows didn't open and the tape deck didn't work, such things 'come as standard' in Malawi.

It did the job though, we got four rice farmers, a business manager and the head of buying for the national co-operative all in it at one point. We're safe and we'll certainly never forget our three day whirl wind tour of Malawi.

Fx

PS – they speak a different language in the north, though all I was able to pick up was “Muli wuli?” instead of “Muli bwanje?” for 'how are you?' and 'yeaoo' (sp? Like yellow but without moving your tongue) for thank-you – helpful to know when being stopped by the police (again).

KanganKunde (not that radioactive, honestly)

Post whisky early start for our Society of Malawi day trip was not fun, but the day itself was. A bunch of us had been invited by Tony Patel, the willowy, beyond eccentric, owner of a mineral mine 1.5 hrs north of Blantyre, for a visit.

We thought it may be a gold mine, but apparently that is further up the Rift Valley. Instead we've learnt all about the unusual properties of this carbonated volcanic plug and the uses of the very highly concentrated Monazite found in the hill (this particular form is pistachio green, not yellow – so there you go.) Optical fibres, paints, car exhausts, glass and control rods for nuclear reactors, this is valuable stuff. But the (lack of) planned, rational, exploitation of it seems to be a tale of woe.

The Australians have started mining uranium in the north of Malawi (Karonga, where we're headed next week, for unrelated reasons). Rubies and sapphires are being sporadically mined in the near by hills and apparently its possible to 'collect' Zircons from the top of another mountain range. There is probably oil in the bottom of the lake and diamonds are not unlikely. But none of these seem to be on the scale to make commercial exploitation truly viable and, unsurprisingly I suppose, mineral exploitation is very very political.

So Mr. Patel continues to sit on his terrace, wrangling to Escom to get proper power supplied, and treating occasional visitors like us with excellent hospitality, whilst staring back at his hill full of radioactive treasure.

F x

Oh Caledonia

Turns out there is a Caledonia society here in Blantyre & we were invited along to its whisky tasting evening on Friday. Unlike my ex-pat relatives I was never really that into Braveheart, shortbread and 'I belong to Glasgow' (though I like to think that I do). Now, I LOVE IT. Absence genuinely does make the heart grow fonder, even A is beginning to acknowledge that Scotland “sometimes, in someways, might be alright”.

Sob, Scotland is brilliant, sniff.

The evening was so well done. Tracing the route through the Jacobite rebellion we tried 11 different whiskys. It was in Ryalls, the big posh hotel, and we could have been in the Thistle or the Hilton or any of the places we've been to graduation balls and weddings at home. There were about 50 people there and I only met 7 Scots - I take that as evidence that Scotland is, in actual fact, brilliant and everyone wants a piece (or at least to be invited along to the party).

At first we dutifully filled in our scoring charts, measuring colour (towards amber or straw?), nose before and after dilution (smoky, spicy, caramelly, and peaty were always safe bets) and then the taste. Before long this had descended into a series of ticks and smiley faces and I decided that Talisker is the malt for when you've had bad news, Macallan was probably the best, Glenmorangie reminded me of my Grandfather and Glengoyne, well, it was an outright winner for me.

Controversially they also had Jack Daniels, but that was towards the end of the evening and we had to give the American guests something (a bottle of coke to make it palatable). Brilliant evening, let's see how long we can resist being co-opted onto the committee and having to sort out St. Andrew's Day.

F x
PS – We observed an uncanny correlation between the Jacobite army's stop overs at some of the better distilleries and absolute gubbings by the English.

Jeremy Clarkson Would Have a Field-Day

So, I'm told that Malawians think that we talk funny. All nasally and honky, like the way Americans sound to us. A few times I've had young boys follow me down the street saying 'hiiii' (imagine saying it really high pitched and through your nose). This has made me really self concious and now catch myself saying 'hi' to friends, then try and change my tack to a deep, 'hello' (which just sounds a bit creepy so I have to stop).

This is the only insight I have managed to obtain into what Malawians think of us. If there is a wider sterotype (and I'm sure there must be) everyone is too polite to say anything. I have, however, learnt that Malawians from the south think those from the north are all into witchcraft and those in the north think people in the south are totally greedy and out for themselves. Everyone thinks that those in the middle are kind of gross and will eat anything that stays still for long enough – something to which the mouse kebabs on sale by the road would seem to bear witness. I've also learnt that Tanzanians are reputed to be very aggressive and Zimbabweans very resiliant (!).

All this made me think of Jeremy Clarkson and the classic sterotypes we Europeans apply to each other. But then it also made me think of what I've heard some of the westerners here say about Malawians. There is often an assumption that anything done by a westerner will automatically be better and that, somehow, we need to 'teach' them how to be efficient.

Hummm....I don't know. It is true that English documents will, generally, be better written by a westerner, but that is obvious. I wonder whether its more the case that our notions of efficiency don't quite fit here. For example, Phiri hasn't been using his bike for work much lately. He also hasn't been well and has been leaving for home earlier and earlier. Now, he seems to be responsible for many people, not just his family. So perhaps it is more efficient for him to lend his bike to his neighbour's cousin and take longer to walk to / from work than it is to get to work quicker but leave the bike unused all day. Or, perhaps he is renting the bike out and using the money to get the bus to work, which would be a very western use of capital as far as I can see.

I don't know. There is an inordinate amount of signing and stamping and giving receipts in triplicate. But then, there are no call centres. There's something to celebrate.

F x

Wake Up Africa

Every morning we listen to the World Service (well, we listen to it all the time really) but the breakfast show we get is called “Wake up Africa” - it's broadcast from London at 4.30 GMT and is genius.

Everyday people text in with African 'wise words', little bon mots to start the day. I love them. Here are some of my favourites:

“The monkey that would see the hunter's face will get a bullet in the eye”

“If you want a hen's attention, go for the chicks”

“The contents of a frog's belly belong to the snake that ate the frog”

“The bird that flew to the ant hill was still on the ground”

“Facing something won't always solve it, but nothing can be solved without first being faced”

“If you claim to be an elephant, make sure you don't get caught in a rat trap”

Trying to think of which British sayings to text in....

F x

Global Swapsies

So Mum and Jennie have gone home, holidays are over. It was pure, dead, BRILLIANT, to hang around with them for 10 days. I think they really enjoyed seeing it all and, strangely, things seem more normal and familiar now that they have been here. We had a total laugh, especially when someone saw Mum in one of the big Mary's Meals 4x4s and shouted 'Madonnna!' - she was well chuffed.

Disappointingly we didn't manage to hunt down any Chibuku, the local mead-like drink that Jennie became kinda' obsessed about. We did manage to get her nicely addicted to cheesy puffs (a cross between wotsits and monster munch) and think that A should start trying to get them exported to Scotland. We also hit upon the idea that Malawians, with their v v sweet tooths, would LOVE Irn Bru and Highland Toffee, so we should try and get some of that sold over here. However the master stroke would have to be if we got Malawian gin, which you can buy in 30ml sachets here (a genius idea), available alongside the salt, sauce & ketchup in Scottish chip shops and pakora bars. Excellent.

When dropping them at the airport I managed to stop blubbing in time to greet Enrico, a Swiss guy who is going to intern with Mary's Meals for three months. We've been showing him around a bit this weekend and whilst visiting the rocket stove stall at the national trade fair (they are the wood fired stove things that MM give to the schools to make the porridge) decided that the stoves would, in fact, be perfect for a massive fondue. So we might work on getting Enrico to try and sell them in Switzerland.

A's been working very hard recently and we both went to welcome the gang of 6th formers from Holyrood School in the south side of Glasgow who've just arrived to help build some classrooms at Mary's Meals schools (about 25 of them with Scotland / Malawi flags and posters hanging off their minibuses). We've known their teacher, Tony Begley, for a while. A brilliant guy. I've offered my services and only hope I can be of some use to them all at some point.

But unexpectedly last night we ended up at Malawi's (only?) casino. Unlike the (mostly Chinese and Indian) clientèle, I didn't have a clue and stood around trying to understand as our American friends explained how to play poker (and how what they were playing there wasn't really poker at all). Enrico (whose first degree is in Maths) tried to explain the probabilities on the roulette table to me, still over my head. I liked the spinny wheel thing tho and we couldn't leave without some kind of promise that we would visit the 'authentic' Chinese restaurant. I'm all for good things but I'm not sure about actually eating muts nuts (even if they are deliciously flavoured with ginger and soy).

It really was our first proper night out in ages and was made all the more so when Enrico found he'd been locked out of his guest house so in the middle of the night we had to wake our guards to let him in and fashion a bed with the sofa cushions and a spare mossie net suspended from the light fitting. We've had a lot of fun & A says this is like being back at international school – certainly been a week for 'cultural' exchanges.

Chicken, roast potatoes and peas for tea tonight tho, don't want to take it too far...
F x

Ps – When we were tracking the elephants on safari our guide, McCloud, said that the problem with elephants was that they were too 'movious' - ;-)

Jennie's Blog (part 3)

Our next stop was to a guest house called Norman Carr Cottage on the massive Malawi Lake. Here we went on daily ‘booze cruises’ with the 2 owners Jenny and Taffy. Who we decided were like South African versions of Auntie Lizzie and Uncle Bertie. They were very accommodating, and even cut a booze cruise short when I realised I‘d drunken too much beer and needed the loo (urgently). They took us fish eagle spotting and got one of their workers to blow into the fish bait mouths in order that they’d stay afloat for longer.

The food was amazing - I had my first taste of both Chambo and Ox-tail. Both equally as tasty. Andrew and Fiona got into a heated debated with 2 young south African boys about everything political, and mum taught us all how to play Wist.

On the way back from the lake holiday we stopped off at a Dedza pottery place - mum and fiona got that content in awe look that they get when looking at Anta pottery and many matching plates and mugs were bought.

Instead of going back to the Dude Hut we made our way to Fi and Andrew’s friends house (they were away on holiday and had kindly let us stay). This is where I’m writing this from now. The house is positioned high up on the hill of a gated community in Blantyre, we can hear all the hustle and bustle and singing of the streets but the scenery around is all lovely hills and blue skies.

It’s hard to describe without sounding all smug and bragging, but it’s beautiful! And huge! We have been given a silver bell to call for the house staff. Which we say we feel uncomfortable using but do anyway. The beastie count here is quite high though and we had to remove a millipede (or evillipede as we’ve renamed them) from the bedroom at night. The food, yet again is delicious and we are slightly worried that Joseph and Peter- the people who work in the house - think all we do is eat, sun ourselves, eat a bit more, sun ourselves, drink, eat, drink and eat a bit more. Which is actually pretty accurate. They have two lovely dogs called Mia and Florida. We’ve managed to twice lock Florida in the Dining Room then paniced that she’s run away.

We’ve visited the shops (5 hours to get a half weekly food shop!) which was very interesting. Came across the brilliantly named Hav-Some-More Biscuits and mum found Knorr White Onion Soup stock. Apparently it’s been discontinued in the UK, and her 7-up pot roasts have never tasted the same since. Needless to say she was very excited.

We still have 3 days left, and I’m looking forward to seeing more of Blantyre. We’re going for a curry tonight, then Andrew’s taking us around a Mary’s Meals school tomorrow, which I’m very excited about. Then we’re booked in for some beauty treatments - I’m getting a oxygenating facial and a back massage for £30. Bargain!

Anyway, I fear I’ve ‘blethered’.
Signing off,
Jennie.

Jennie's Blog (part 2)

Safari was AMAZING! A quick run-down of the animals we saw is as follows:

- Warthogs
- Hippos (at first I was really excited to see these but I quickly lost count of the anount we’d seen’
- Crocodiles
- Baboons
- Elephant
- Sivet

This is to name but a few. We also saw a huge number of weirdly named birds. Mum has become a full-on bird watcher now and has taken to reading an Encycolpeadia of birds as bed-time reading. Worrying! I even sacrificed a beloved lie-in to get up for the 5:30 am safari. It was worth it though. We were led by an armed guard around the bush. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) we didn’t see any of the big scary animals, but did see marks in the sand where Hianas had been sleeping for the night. This was followed by a delicious breakfast where we had to guard our food from opportunistic monkeys trying to steal our muffins. One of the guides stood by with an empty hand held catapult which seemed to put the fear of god in them, and they quickly scarpered.

Our tour-guide was called McCloud and seemed to have an endless knowledge of every single animal and plant. He also knew about every star constellation, and drove us out to a clearing to go through a lot of them. We even spotted satellites moving across the sky.

The lodges were beautiful. We weren’t allowed to walk out of them by ourselves but were given a large drum to sound when we needed assistance. Luckily mum restrained herself from using it to order her G and T sundowners. The animals came up right to the outside of the front door. I was quite amused to discover a monkey swinging on the hammock, on it‘s back with it‘s legs in the air. Mum was less amused to discover a Hippo munching on the shrubbery next to the hut in the middle of the night.

Jennie's Blog (Part 1)

I have hijacked Fiona’s beloved blog account in order to tell you all about mine and mums Amazing African Adventure (so far). We have seen an astonishing amount of stuff, in mum’s words it’s been a bit of a ‘sensory overload‘. But most definitely a good one.
There’s an awful lot to say, and it’s difficult to know when to start…I suppose the airport is a good place. And so I’ll begin……

Mum and I managed to get lost at Johannesburg airport and so very nearly missed our connecting flight to Blantyre. Our rush-tness wasn’t helped by the fact my bag had to be searched as a sniffer dog got slightly too enthusiastic by it‘s somewhat distinctive smell. And no, it wasn’t due to any old mouldy food abandoned in a side pocket.

We were greeted at Malawi International Airport (don’t be deceived by the term International - it‘s small enough to fit in your hand luggage) by a balcony of people watching the runway. Apparently Saturday is a day for coming to spectate all the (two) planes flying on that day. In amongst the crowd there were 2 pairs of white hands waving frantically - Fiona and Andrew! Hooray!

The car journey to the house is a bit of a a blur, it was like someone had pressed the fast forward button there was so much to see and take in! Their ‘Dude Hut’ is very welcoming. Strangely enough reminds me a bit of their Glasgow flat. Bowls of nuts and clever-looking books dotted around the place are still a staple. But there are slightly more gecko’s.

I met Phiri, who talked about his bike (I think he’s well chuffed), and we had a delicious dinner with Davinia their next door neighbour.

The Centre of Blantyre is a hub of activity. Amusingly there is a Ned Bank - unfortunately not staffed by Buckfast swigging youths with tracksuit bottoms on. Spotting funny shop signs has been one of my favourite things to do. So far I’ve seen the ‘Slow But Steady General Store’. ‘The Chemicals and Seeds Shop’(?!) and the ‘Bling!Bling! Of Foods Store’.

Grasshopper Season

Its grasshopper season – there seem to be two types, brown and green and I don't know what the difference is (green one is probably male though). They don't bother me at all, occasionally a bit gross when you stand on one but I think it is them that make the calming crickety noise at night, so its all good with me.

Apparently they are tasty too. 'Land prawns' I'm told. No rush to find out but judging by the lengths people are going to get them, I think they must be. During the day people stop in the street for no apparent reason, bend down and pick something up, then pocket it - reckon they are nabbing grasshoppers.

At night the street up to the hut is one of the few places with street lights and there are crowds of children hanging round them, grabbing up the hoppers as they come to the light. They are so fixated on grabbing the hoppers they dash in front of our car to get the ones caught up in the headlights, they run alongside to pick up the ones we run over with our wheels! It's madness, it is so dangerous!

But their parents have no regard for traffic either – people cross the road wherever and whenever they want to - across the entrances to roundabouts on very busy roads, behind / in front of buses - vendors will run in front of traffic to sell samosas to bus passengers without thinking or looking twice! Old women, mothers with babies – the lot. I don't buy that people here in the city aren't 'used to' traffic, I think they just don't care that much or have some deep faith that the cars will stop. I also think there must be a rule somewhere that says people have right of way. We will actually be lucky if we don't hurt someone or get caught up in an accident caused by this craziness, grasshoppers or no.

F x

PS – Apparently there is also a flying ant season....someone told me to 'get your cook to fry them up with salt for your sundowners'! Erm, think I'll stick to peanuts.
F x

Evilipede

Photo will follow - blast slow internet in the afternoons. America, get offline! Obama did well in his big speech all you need to know....

Evilipedes

This happened a while ago, but people should know that such horrible things exist!

About two weeks after arriving I was sitting outside our front door, trying to relax and acclimatize to being in Africa, telling myself not to be a big girl about the creepy crawlies. Then I saw this long, licorice black millipede crawling about about 1/2m in front of me. It was heading for the front door and I took this as an opportunity to test my new resolve to not get upset by such things. I got a big stick and poked it until it turned around and started heading the other way.

Happy, I got my camera out and started taking shots – it was really deeply shiny and the millions of legs thrummed along in an amazing way. Not thinking A would believe I'd seen such a thing I got a pen and put it down next to it for scale.

Now, it turns out that these things are one of the most dangerous insects and can kill you (or at least put you in hospital for a good while) with one sting! We now call them evilipedes.
Seriously, how was I supposed to know that?! I know to keep away from snakes and spiders – but millipedes?! What is next, evil butterflies that will infect me with sars if I look at them too long? Man eating dragon flies that hide inside shoes and then chew your toes off when you're not paying attention?! (Neither of those things actually exist Jennie, its going to be fine).

I think I'm right to keep my guard up and my panga handy. Shoes on at all times and when not in use hung upside down on empty beer bottles. It seems to be the only way!

F x

A Woman's Work

Note to self: Don't blog drunk.
Blog deleted.
F

Hut Birthday

Not sure how to blog about this without sounding horribly smug – but I've had a fantastic birthday here in the hut! I started celebrating the night before with a few beers and came home to lovely roses left by Davina and got to open A's pressie of an elephant statue I've had my eye on (and a hand-drawn card proclaiming it 'Hut Birthday' - pic of me with my hands on hips, apparently I do that a lot?!).

On the actual day I spent the morning e-mailing and drinking coffee, enjoyed 'Friday Pie Day' with the consultants at the Imani / Kadale office and Mike (who was leaving for Bejing) treated us all to a brilliant turn on his fiddle. Massage in the afternoon and then to Gay & David's for a 'high tea' party that Andrea and Gay threw for me!

It was originally supposed to be a surprise but I'd demanded to know who A had been texting the weekend before so I got to spend the whole week looking forward to it. Gay's house is beautiful and they'd arranged for all the friends I've made here to join us from 4 onwards for home made scones, smoked salmon (yay!) and, particularly for Andrea, Yorkshire Tea. By 5 we'd cracked open the Pongratz (South Africa fizz) and tucked into hot nibbles and a proper birthday cake with candles and everything! It was so much fun – Davina, Florian and Veronica all came along. Andrea's friend Penny came with Pumpkin her new, very cute but very naughty puppy and Gay's guest Theresa from Barcelona was on excellent form given she'd only arrived the day before. By the time we'd emptied a good few bottles and moved inside to hang round the log fire, David arrived and regaled us with stories of old Rhodesia and the only marine to ever curtsey to the Queen Mother - for once I even enjoyed listening to Abba and Neil Diamond!

I think everyone had had a pretty tough week and was ready for an excuse for a party but I'm very very lucky to have such people looking after me! Maybe Malawi isn't so bad after all.....

F x

Stanley & our 'outside space'

Grand Designs

Work has started on our project to build an 'outside space' for the hut.

The plan is as follows: Use the pile of bricks Davina has on her drive & the left over kitchen doors she has in her shed, get a bag of cement, a shovel and a hammer and enlist the services of Phiri and a young guy called Stanley. Feed them up with big lunches of boiled eggs and rice and ask them to de-boulder an area of the garden, flattening it out into two separate tiers.

On the bottom tier ask Stanley to assemble a table and bench seats with the bricks and the wood, cemented to the ground so people can't pinch them. On the top tier build a kind of BBQ thing and then track down the grates / shelves for coals that apparently come in a standard size.
Reinforce the sides of the tiers with the boulders that have been heaved out of the ground, cementing them in as well so we don't have a mud slide come the rainy season.

All is going to plan. Delayed start due to Stanley having a bout of malaria (!) but we've now got two distinct tiers, and a 1.8m x 2m area laid out in bricks on the bottom tier. The kitchen doors are having the handles removed and being cut to size / stuck together to make benches. We have purchased a parafin lamp so we can sit out in the evenings and I am reliably informed that the Petroda garage on the Chileka road is the last remaining petrol station that has paraffin – MK165 a litre (about 63p, think I'll stock up!)

Yay!
Fx

PS – Today also a v g day because I'd asked Phiri to clear the back garden bit so its all nice for Mum & Jennie coming. I don't go round there because I can see there are loads of massive spiders in the cactus type stuff that hangs over the wall. After clearing Phiri set fire to all the weeds under the cactus plant, which will apparently send the spiders packing! Hurray!

Yum

Decided my upcoming birthday was too much of a special occasion for the salmon - I couldn't have taken the pressure. So, thought Monday night was special enough and cooked it up with onion & garlic and served with rice and peas. Verdict: it was good!

Thank goodness for that.

Also, was going to share leftovers with Phiri for lunch to alieveate guilt, but Davina gave him lunch today so I had extra with a big dolop of this salad creme type stuff and it was really really good - further example of my new theme of being 'grateful not guilty'.

F x

PS - Wish I could blog about some of the actually exciting things that have happened with elections etc over the past week but it really doesn't seem wise so I'm going to have to try and give you as much interest as I can from our culinary adventures instead!

F x

"Is it?"

I've not yet met a Malawian who doesn't speak English to some degree. Its great, it is everywhere. But there are some particular idiosyncrasies that I thought you might find interesting:

- Rather than 'really?' they say 'is it?': “Jane got a new job today” “Is it?”
- When someone is sent to jail, they are 'in': “Three in following police raid”
- Events are 'happenings': “We should not discount the fact that there were some very-un-desirable happenings elsewhere"
- Pubs are 'drinking points': “Notice is hereby given of a new drinking point – Charles' Place – opening this Saturday on the Chileka Road, opposite People's Supermarchette.”
- Directions are 'compasses': “I will tell you the compass to that village over there.”

:-)
F x

Tuna Crunch

I really am living my life on the edge: The anticipated devaluation in the Kwacha is contributing to such a shortage of foreign currency here that I can't get any tinned tuna!

An imported product, the shops need foreign currency to pay for it, and no one has it, so they can't get any. I did see one tin a few days ago for about MK500 (approx £2.30) and thought, nah, I'm not paying that (still smarting from salmon escapades...)

Humm....I could really go a tuna, olive & tomato pasta and I'm going to have to wait – hardship!

Anyway, there are no tins of tomatoes either (which I don't really understand as I think they must be grown here, but the price has doubled in the past few weeks and now I can't see any.....). Didn't bother checking for olives.

Nor was there any chicken yesterday (I don't count the packs of chicken feet that were strangely left on the shelf). Now, puzzle this: I know there are chickens here. I can hear them all the time, I see them strapped to bikes. This can not be caused by a lack of foreign currency. Perhaps people are buying more chicken as a result of tuna shortage (demand side substitutability) or perhaps people are stocking up in anticipation of possible civil unrest following today's election (demand shock).

Humm....I haven't stocked us up. Maybe I should. Wonder how long we can survive on a tin of peaches, some popcorn and a near empty packet of wine gums....

Anyway, we had sirloin steak last night. Plenty of that still cheaply available! Omelette for lunch today (so the chickens must still be laying). I'm going to book club tonight so it is someone else's concern to sort my dinner. Andrew can have popcorn peaches.
Fx

PS - No yoghurt either, though the diary market has always been variable.

Angry or Complacent?

Being massive fans of The Thick of It, A and I are gutted that we're not getting to see The Loop (though I am keeping my eye out for the inevitable t-shirts with 'I am the loop' on them!).

However, a few Kutche Kutche's (the local beer) into the party last Wednesday night, I think I would have done Jamie proud. I was talking to a very lovely Yorkshire lad who works with A, mulling over what it was to be British and, as it always seems to when we we're talking to Englishers, the subject came round to Scotland v England, Independence or no?

As a Yorkshireman he was undecided on the union (though he did feel that if Scotland got its own, then so should Yorkshire, a fair enough point). This led us to the conclusion that the the distinction was not so much between Scottish and English, but between North and South – How to tell which you are, well, as I put it “Mike! Come on Mike, which are you, angry or complacent?” Well, which?

As I say, Jamie would be proud (even if I'm not...)
Fx

PS – Mike has got funding to do a Masters in International Relations at Beijing University next year, and goes with the express wish that Britain should just be, well, “awesome again, not in a colonial type way, but we can you know, we can”. I agree.

Hurray!

We have the money! Its arrived - YES!

And Halifax have refunded the transfer charges and given us 30 quid for the inconvenience - cost us much more than that in phone calls and I think we've actually been jipped on the x-rate but we have it! Tis not lost!

And now we're 'Fiona' and 'Andrew' not just 'the Parkers' with the good people at Ecobank!

Yay!

F x

Tuesday Status Update

• Still keeping the salmon in the freezer 'for special';
• roof beams in hut are rotten (hence wildlife) and roof will probably have to come off;
• Phiri's sister has died, poor man is clearly very upset and won't be at work for a while;
• we've gone in with Davina and bought P a bike to help with his commute to Ndirande (were planning this before his bereavement) – A now wants one too;
• brother of the gardener at the house next door was waiting for me to come home one day to say his brother had told him we were living here now and did we need a housekeeper, he had references and would do anything (!);
• Rex wants extortionate price for picnic bench – need a plan B;
• older boys are back & filling in the pot holes again – I've paid them;
• Vimto, the little geko who hung out on the outside of our bathroom window every night, has moved on (I think since we put poison in the roof);
• we've got stroppy with Ecobank and they now say they've tracked down our money and we'll probably get it at some point this week....Halifax tell me there is no guarantee we'll see it again, though they'll keep trying (!);
• weather has turned and we now have 'Chiperoni' – grey, drizzle, colder. Making the homesickness really bite;
• tried Nsema – not bad actually, very much like mashed potato; and
• unexpectedly found ourselves at an 11 year old birthday's party Sat night – Roman theme, all fruit, whole chickens and an ice cream Colosseum cake! 'Grown ups' house party tomorrow night - BYOB, need to find a local taxi company....

Status: Fine, bit homesick.

A New Pin

A woman's work

I got the chance to visit my first Mary's Meals projects this week. A and Lawrence (one of his colleagues) were going to HHI a Blantyre school to put up a sign saying this feeding centre was being funded by East Ayrshire Education Dept. I tagged along.

The children were charming and the headmaster impressive but what was most striking was how hard the volunteer women work – MM just buys the food & provides the secure storage space / the stoves etc but all the preparation and organisation has to be done by local volunteers. Apparently they find it easier to get volunteers in the countryside than in the cities. But at this school of about 1500 primary school children, 6 women had organised themselves into a rota.

Ellen, the chairwoman, reminded me of my Dad's mum - thin, elegant and very proud. When she saw that we wanted to take photographs she sent us away for a while whilst she got the other women mopping the floor (which looked spotless to me anyway) cleaning all the buckets and changing all their clothes. She explained that they arrive at 6am every morning to collect the water, chop the wood, and make the vats of Likuni Pala (just like porridge really). By 2 they've fed all the children, cleaned up and can head home to do the same for their own families. All she wanted from MM was some soap to be able to clean their clothes.

We then went to an under 6 centre where aids orphans are deliberately mixed with other orphans to help reduce stigma (and some children are there whose parent's pay for them to be looked after for the day). There were about 30 tiny tots in a bare room about 7m x 5m. Four women were keeping them singing and occupied and making two meals (the little ones get breakfast and lunch but that's probably it until they come the next day). Again, the children were charming (and very pleased to show us they could recite the months of the year, and say their name and how old they were) but the women were phenomenal! Babies strapped to their back, they were stirring and chopping and cleaning and signing with the children – the head woman again clearly knew every child and their own little strengths / worries. We all gave an 'introduction' and one of the women with a wiggling baby strapped to her back was 28 too – same age as me but a very very different life.

It is the 'mamas' here that keep it moving, there is no doubt about that. God bless them.
Fx

PS – I'm taking the HHI women some soap next week. MM don't do it (though I've mentioned to the acting head of MM (Malawi) that perhaps they should) but I see no reason why I shouldn't, on this occasion, to these women.

Arrrggghhh!

[NB: Posted this on Thursday but internet crash & it didn't upload...]

I've just spent a FORTUNE on salmon and now the guilt has set in!

I was having a good day – just finished a piece of work for back home and had navigated past the 'witch doctor' to find the timber yard that apparently sells picnic benches. In the middle of a thunder storm tracked down 'Rex', discussed the relative merits of pine over Mulange ceder and am hopeful he'll phone me back with a sensible price.

I carried on and hunted out the illusive pork butcher and got great ham, bacon and pork chops – hurray! Then I went too far and skipped into the Halal fishmonger (?does that make sense? I thought halal was about the way they killed the meat – maybe it applies to fish too?) next door. Thought the price quoted was for a whole salmon not each steak! Was too embarrassed to say 'I don't want it after all' and now feel dreadful that I've spent MK4,500 on some chuffn' fish! And its frozen, not even fresh. Nor is it that poncy, Nigella, kind of 'organic' salmon that's really pale, as red as a farmed, dyed red thing.

OK that's about £18 and not a lot of money to us in the grand scheme of things, but really – come on Fiona! Too embarrassed to say “I'm not paying four times what I would pay at home, forget it, there are people begging for chips outside, I'll just learn how to cook Chambo” – get a grip!

Well, its done now. I'll just have to make sure I don't burn it!
F x

Ps – still no sign of the money I sent to us on EASTER MONDAY! Halifax are trying to charge me £12 just to find out who has it! Think I'll give them a call and take my salmon guilt out on them.
F x